All About Boundaries
By Gail-Elaine Tinker, MS, LPC
What are boundaries? A boundary is a limit or line; think property boundaries, they let people know which is theirs and which is the neighbor’s. Boundaries are an imaginary line in your emotions which separate your body, your money, behaviors, also, and most importantly, your feelings. Your boundaries are the way you interact with people. They define your relationships and they define you.
Life without boundaries is replete with unnecessary drama and conflict. If you know someone who is an ultimate people-pleaser; you know they can be draining of your energy, as their lives swirl with confusing chaos. Perhaps you are the people-pleaser who ‘helps’ too much. People with poor boundaries mean well and have no idea that their attempts to be nice in the world are backfiring. Sometimes, a lack of boundaries between to people form a co-dependent relationship; that is, people who come to depend on the chaos of one another’s lives. Lack of boundaries affects men and women, but women tend to take longer to relearn boundaries. Women are socialized as caretakers, so lack of boundaries seem ‘natural.’
Life with strong boundaries is sane, logical, and realistic. People with boundaries can delineate between their own feelings and needs regarding other’s feelings and needs. Folks with healthy boundaries are able to talk and listen in all social relationships. Having boundaries does not make someone a bad person. Actually, if everyone had boundaries, we’d be happier because we’d be taking care of ourselves. One can still be in love, work on teams, be in families, date, and have friendships with boundaries.
How do you know if you have poor boundaries? Here are some ideas for you to consider, which would show poor boundaries. Inappropriate social behavior is often a cue to determining poor boundaries.
Firstly, bad social boundaries, for instance, telling ‘everyone’ you meet about your issues. You assume that everyone is like you, and doesn’t mind hearing intimate and inappropriate details in a casual acquaintance setting. Sharing intimate details of your life is best saved for long-term relationships, over time, and at appropriate settings. People who ‘overshare’ on Facebook, in public, in casual ‘nodding’ friendships are those with poor boundaries. Is everything about you? Are your problems and concerns so urgent that you aren’t considering others? Does the conversation always return to your chaotic life? Does the more you vent the more hopeless things feel?
Chronically rescuing others is a sign of poor boundaries. Some people get a ‘high’ by helping other people and it never occurs that people might be better left to their own decisions. If you are tired from giving too much to those around you, with a lack of respect, look at your boundaries. Think about becoming clear on your own preferences and not assuming others can intuit your needs. Life without boundaries can be ‘draining,’ so regain your power and emotional energy by learning boundaries.
Are you an inappropriate toucher? Are you confused about considering others in their privacy? Some people who claim to be ‘touchers,’ hugging strangers and patting people uninvited; they often have poor boundaries. People are not to touch others in public without invitation, unless it is a cordial handshake.
Do you fall in love easily? Love at first sight or like romantic films is a rare phenomenon. Do you just say, ‘why not’ and fall in love and go to bed with a stranger hoping for long lasting infatuation? Real love takes time. Love is not an excitement to fill a hole in your life; it takes time to develop bonds of trust and intimacy. It takes appropriate dating to get to know someone enough to have sex. Also, people who use sex, intimacy, and affection as a weapon are usually suffering poor boundaries.
Do you suffer from over-responsibility and guilt? Are you always second-best by taking the overtime and balancing the fate of the company on your shoulders; this is poor boundaries. When we feel over-responsible for people around us, it can be one of the most tiring aspects of life. A martyr usually has poor boundaries and is screaming for recognition that will not come.
Do you occasionally find that your life is fantasy-like? People without firm boundaries often inadvertently create a complicated, chaotic existence which they sincerely believe is essential. Often in therapy when the person ‘let’s go,’ she finds that the conditions she needed to respond to, tend to evaporate. Do you use substances to self-medicate from the pain, confusion, and chaos of a life without boundaries? Substance abuse and trauma can contribute to poor boundary setting.
Can you relate to the above? How can you improve your boundaries in all your relationships? Boundaries are actions which are learned. Sometimes families have poor boundaries, expecting members to care for one another in ways that are unhealthy and defining it ‘love.’ Mostly people believe they are doing the right thing in ‘rescuing’ everyone around them.
It is important to say that many adults have experienced an episode of being without boundaries or being with someone who had poor boundaries. Sometimes it is easier to identify the episode or era of your life with 20/20 hindsight. This does not mean you are doomed to repeat the episode, you learn from it by practicing good boundaries.
When someone has healthy boundaries, they have a high level of self-respect and they place value on self-awareness. They enter all relationships with positive boundaries, which allow understanding and bonds of trust to grow. Gaining these boundaries means letting go of some old beliefs and practices. A qualified therapist can be extremely helpful in joining you in the examination of your life for weak boundaries, and then, giving you techniques to increase your ability to operate with better boundaries.
Learning to tune into yourself is the practice of self-awareness. Knowing what you want or do not want in any situation comes from within you. Naming what you want is the key. I remember a scene in the film Runaway Bride when the bride was asked to how she liked her eggs. With each boyfriend, she changed her egg preference to his eggs. Maybe she rationalized it as ‘easier.’ But it was a symptom of how she misunderstood intimacy, and therefore, ran away from her many weddings. She could be helped just as you can: what do YOU want and how do you want it? This will change as circumstances evolve in your new life with boundaries. Sometimes it is simply ‘giving yourself permission’ to be self-aware and then state your needs which is the hardest thing. It can feel disloyal, unnatural, and cause problems short-term when you begin to exercise healthy boundaries.
During this process, support and self-care are essential. For many people, a therapist or clergy member supply the safe support as you jump from boundary-less and codependent, to a new phase of self-awareness, being able to state your desires, and accomplish boundaries. During this time, learning self-care will give you strength to keep one doing the difficult tasks. What is self-care? It is a positive, re-charging activity: meditation, hiking, manicures, yoga, massage, bubble-baths, and so on are examples. These activities may seem self-indulgent at first, after all your life is so chaotic, how can you make time for yourself? That is the point; making time for yourself reduces the chaos and helps you tune-in.
Many people can learn to create healthy boundaries on their own. Sometimes the support of a friend, clergy, or support group can help in this challenging process. It is not a weakness to employ a therapist to help you through this life-changing episode. Therapists are like coaches in sports; they can help you keep an eye on the ball while running. Life is challenging enough for everyone with good boundaries; but without them, life is a quagmire swamp of chaos and confusion. Decide on which kind of life you would like to live. Then start with tuning-in to self-awareness, your ‘gut’ can be the best friend you have needed to improve things. Best of luck.
Gail-Elaine Tinker, MS, LPC is a licensed counselor in the Lehigh Valley, PA. She does individual and group counseling around boundary setting and renewing one’s life with boundaries. You may contact her 9-5 est at 610-216-4319 or write email in gailelainetinker@yahoo.com. Gail-Elaine takes many insurances and cash or credit cards for payment.
