Definition, Facts, and 8 Practical Suggestions
In Greek myth, the minor god Narcissus’ behavior was far too vain. This angered one of the major gods and he was changed for eternity into a kind of daffodil, with flower-face looking down into the water at his reflection. This tale and name is at the root of the term Narcissist [nar-sis-sist]. Childhood and adolescence is a time of so-called healthy narcissism, when a person becomes overly focused inward and young adulthood. In our culture, early adulthood marks a time when youngsters begin to focus outwardly. A healthy adult should be able to put aside his or her needs enough to share in mutual relationships with boundaries, work cooperatively, and demonstrate empathy.
The “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,” 4th Ed, 1994 (DSM-IV) of the American Psychiatric Association defines Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) as: “A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, whether in fantasy or behavior, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” Living or dealing with a person with NPD can be highly traumatic. The pervasive emotional abuse caused by NPD often takes a good deal of time and effort to heal. Fortunately, there is support available to assist in recovery from narcissistic abuse when you find a counselor trained in Trauma or Women’s issues. Although men can be impacted by living with a female narcissist, this is far less common. I have even done life coaching with some people who had Narcissistic employers who were making their lives difficult.
Narcissists are extremely resistant to counseling of any kind. Generally they have a dim view of psychology and feel they know far more about any given topic than the therapist. They are not invested in doing therapy for family approval no matter how much pleading or bargaining occurs. They do not like it if their loved ones attend therapy. Narcissism does not discriminate to sex, race, class, but often correlates with all addictions, depression, and verbal and physical violence. Realize that narcissists aren’t really aware of how they are hurting others in their lives. They are people with a mental illness, a personality disorder. They are aware enough to manipulate all those around them, but they are unaware of why they do so. By the time you are reading this, the ‘why’ rarely matters. It may help to think of the narcissist as a primitive mind such as child or animal, acting on instinct rather than empathy; however, they are still an intelligent adult responsible for their actions. If you are being hurt or abused in any relationship, male or female, you can seek assist from 911 or the local woman’s shelter counseling service.
Experiencing a long-term relationship with a narcissist can be a form of psychological abuse. It is one person submitting themselves to a submissive, negative, unequal relationship. It takes enormous courage to make the change in the belief that you deserve something more than subservience. Confusion occurs because there are both good and bad aspects in all relationships and in living with a narcissist one must develop coping mechanisms to deal with the difficult times. Recognition that the negative emotional weight carried during the submissive relationship has affected every thought and decision since the beginning. It has been easy for both the narcissist and yourself to ‘blame’ you for life’s problems! In order to fully recover, you may need help. It doesn’t mean you’re the one with the ‘emotional disorder’ but it means you have been reshaped by dealing with one who has for a long time. Sometimes it is helpful to realize how the narcissist takes advantage of everyone in his or her web and if it wasn’t you it would be someone else like you. If there are youngsters involved in this relationship, know they are being impacted as well, and deserve counseling to understand the complex situation.
Eight things YOU can do:
Recognize narcissism for what it is. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance, see themselves as perfect and will attack anyone who challenges that image. They exhibit grandiose, self-centered, egotistical patterns of behavior which can cause psychological trauma to those around them. Spending a lot of time replaying your past in analysis of why things happened as they did is a waste of energy could be invested into the now. The best use of your time is in self-repair. The best revenge is living a happy, healthy life, learning from the past, without bitterness from this experience.
Know exactly what narcissists do. Narcissists require constant attention, maintenance, admiration, and often use others selfishly toward their own ends. When criticized, they react with blaming, insults and rationalizations. isolation, causing the subjects of their rage to feel rejected, hurt, humiliated They also distort reality, often wildly contradicting themselves, lying, or denying events of the past to make themselves look better. They make their loved ones doubt what they know and question reality causing an “Am I crazy?” sensation.
Understand yourself. You are more than likely a warm, nurturing person who ‘rescues’ people, strays, contributes to charity, and helps the less fortunate. You used to be close to friends and family but many of these relationships have fallen by the wayside due to conflicts with the narcissist. Be assured that your kind mindset is not a bad quality but it may be that years ago you did not learn to differentiate between people who have real needs and people who are manipulating you for their own personal gain. In your personal recovery you will need to become aware of beckoning toxic people fully addicted to drama, those who have mysterious and important missions who need you to assist them, and those lost souls begging you to rescue and fix them, as only you can, casting you as a shining angel… forever shackled in a romantic but unequal position.
Establish personal boundaries. Because the world revolves around the narcissists, they will try to manipulate with guilt, shame or other tactics. Stand your ground. Do not do things you do not want to do based on manipulation. Put your needs, self-care, and safety first (and those of the children or helpless). Make it clear to the narcissist that there are behaviors (yelling, hitting, guilting, bribing, etc) you will no longer tolerate and follow up with neutral action. Please contact your region’s Domestic Violence Support for specific advice. Narcissists are capable of great cruelty and violence if their dominance is challenged. Be aware it may take more time than you may expect to repair the darkness of abuse, this is very normal. Be patient with yourself and your family and the ups and downs. You are actually rebuilding yourself esteem. This takes time alone, time with supportive people, and time with trained supportive people.
Don’t show weakness around a narcissist. Because they lack empathy, they have no compassion for anyone who shows emotional vulnerability (tears, anger, sadness, grief, pain); in fact, this only increases their feelings of superiority and gives them reason for further attack and abuse. When you show your anger, frustration, demand pity or expect shame from a narcissist…you empower them. So your verbal assaults or expectations of ‘teaching them a lesson’ are fruitless. Should you lash out to physically assault them, you can be prosecuted and further victimized by the system.
Don’t expect a narcissist to change. Don’t keep going back thinking that, this time, they or things will be different. This behavior is only setting you up for disappointment. Assume that they will always be hurtful, odds are they will. Protect yourself and empower yourself with knowledge, self awareness and new reactions. The only aspect of this relationship you have power over is yourself.
Protect yourself. Limit your contact with the narcissist altogether, whenever possible, give yourself a clean break. If you live with a narcissist and decide to leave, ensure that you can leave safely without them coming after you and threatening violence. If you cannot leave or choose not to, make sure that you are safe and have lots of support in dealing with the narcissist. As mentioned before, Domestic Violence centers publish guidelines for leaving such situations wisely and a qualified counselor may be of assistance. If you are experiencing physical or sexual abuse please seek specialized counseling via 911 and shelter to extricate yourself from harm asap.
Know that you are lovable. Despite what the narcissists in your life have told you repeatedly and how they have treated you, you are worthy of love, happiness and success in life. You need to sort out the the opinions, influences, and impulses you have been living to reclaim your own values. Your next life challenge is learning how to cultivate relationships in which you are appreciated and valued for who you are. Know that recovery is possible and that you can have different and better outcomes with education and treatment. Beware of the temptation to give into depression and anxiety; alcohol, drugs, cutting, bulimia, video, sleep, sex, shopping are all excellent temporary ‘fixes’ for the extreme pain. Giving in to these addictions can land you into worse shape than just recovery from living with a narcissist. Resist the temptation and you’ll be so much closer to healing. Seek help from a hospital, therapist, or self-help support group ASAP otherwise.
Lastly, I know people who have made decisions to live with narcissists and have carved ‘happiness’ for themselves. For me, this is like speaking of people who were secure and content as slaves; perhaps this is true, but I can hardly imagine it, can you? I have known courageous people who took the time to nurture their own recovery from growing up with, cohabitating with, or marrying a narcissist, with and without professional help. Their journeys were steep and fraught with depression, anxiety, and confusion; however, it has been so amazing to mark their progress with them as the months and years progress. And I know one or two who lost the battle, did not make it out safely or sanely, and I mourn for them. This may not be America’s number one issue, but it sure impacts.
If you or someone you care about is suffering through recovery from narcissism abuse, Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S. Psychotherapist in private practice located in Bethlehem, PA can help with conventional Talk Therapy, Mind/Body approaches including Reiki, Narrative and Transformative Art therapy modalities and other forms of support. If you have any questions, please contact Gail-Elaine through this website or @ 610-216-4319. If you are not safe, please locate your locale woman’s shelter.
