Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., RM Psychotherapist
Who is a sociopath? The term gets tossed around a lot as an insult, but it is a real disorder, a very severe antisocial personality disorder, developed over a long time. It takes a mental health professional to formally diagnose an individual with such a serious disorder and they wouldn’t do so lightly, not without a determined pattern of observable or documented behavior. It isn’t likely a sociopath would voluntarily meet with a psychotherapist.
If one were to meet someone who was an actual sociopath it might be difficult to detect. The person would be charming, perhaps exiting and intelligent at first and second meeting. Eventually an observant person might detect grandiosity, self-absorption, and manipulative behaviors. When encountering such a person, such behaviors might appear to be great self-confidence, charisma, and drive for success. We tend to think the best of people …which the manipulative people know, and use to their advantage. Of course, there are people who display confidence and drive who are not sociopaths, merely salespeople, public speakers, and ceos… so how is one to determine the difference?
Here are a few suggestions to assist, however, I must remind you only a mental health professional can make an actual determination.
- Eye contact: Try to maintain appropriate eye contact in your dealings with the person and see if it is returned. Some individuals with sociopathic tendencies have difficulty maintaining consistent eye contact when speaking with others. Real intimacy is very difficult for these individuals. However, some individuals, such as those with Aspergers Syndrome, trauma, or even dry eyes are examples of normal people who just do not maintain eye contact well…. so you do not want to make hasty judgments.
- Interactions with Others: Observe how the individual relates with people around him/her. Are there lies, aggression, temper tantrums, excessive use of alcohol or drugs, verbal/physical intimidation/abuse, hurting of animals/children in present or past? What does this person do for a living and for entertainment? Does this person display compassion, respect for authority/law, proper language/manners, observance of social customs? Has anyone else expressed concern to you about this person?
- Their Past: Sociopaths tend to have a colorful pasts – family that no longer communicates, jobs which want nothing to do with them, ‘former friends,’ legal history/rap sheets, time in prison, lots of cities they can’t return to and do not care to discuss. If you get too close to the truth they lie and manipulate to distort the truth around these details. Do they see you with them in the future; another warning sign.
- Lack of Empathy: Means problems with the real concern or care of others. Can they be consistently on-time, focused, care for a sick person, a child, a puppy? The person will say they are the victim in life, avoiding self-responsibility, blame others for life’s misfortunes. Do they listen to your bad day or are you expected to care for their needs primarily?
Use your gut instinct, if you do not feel secure about any individual – do not be unsafe with them, trust them with your money, let them carry weapons near you, do not leave your children, or pets unprotected with anyone you have developed distrust. If you feel harassed by anyone to continue a relationship, with whom to do business, or to do anything you do not want to do, you can seek assist from law enforcement. If you habitually find yourself in the presence with characters who you now realize may have been sociopaths, you should consider counseling to understand why you are so vulnerable to these types of individuals. Though therapy, you can learn to understand why, what is in your behaviors, and how to minimize such contacts in the future.
Contact with a sociopath can happen to anyone who is open, trusting, and welcoming. There is nothing wrong with you; so being armed with knowledge is the most powerful way to eliminate unsavory characters from your life. Do not be afraid to act in your own best interest, ask others who are in the know for advice; therapists, social workers, doctors, police, lawyers, judges, clergy, teachers, etc.
If you are entangled with a sociopath, you can get out, or at least survive sanely, with determination and knowledge.
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., RM is a Psychotherapist and Clinical Counselor in Private Practice, Tinker Psychotherapy Services, in the Lehigh Valley, PA. She is a specialist in addiction, trauma-ptsd, grief, chronic pain, and adult autism. She offers free specialty support groups, individual counseling, advocacy, teaching, writing, and speaking to groups about mental health issues. For more information see tinkerpsychotherapy.com or call confidentially during business hours est 610-216-4319.
