Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S.
Each new year many of us dust off the resolutions from the year before which didn’t quite “take:” lose weight, exercise, quit smoking, stop drinking, less time in front of the tv, attend church more often, stop fighting with in-laws, and other such well intended ideals toward health and self-improvement. Most folks in a committed fashion follow their best intentions for a few weeks, and by Valentine’s Day… they have mostly fallen by the wayside, along with a bit of their self-esteem.
So, why is it that we fail at our best intentions? We know our new habit is better for us; do we utter lack character and self-control? Positive Psychology techniques would point out that making real changes is more than mustering our ‘inner marine drill sergeant’ and forcing behavioral change. Why not remember that real change is better achieved via rewards than by punishment?
Let’s make an example of diet, the most popular of new years resolutions. Let’s say you want to improve the quality of your diet by using an intelligent published plan. Let’s imagine your particular struggle, like many folks is after dinner snacking. One thing we know is that if you do not consume enough calories spaced out during the day, your body will “encourage’ you to make up for it when you are at ease, in the evening. Know this, and prepare for the biological fact, by providing healthy fuel for your body throughout the day, not starving the body until 6pm, wolfing down dinner, and then expecting your body to accept that. It is asking for a binge.
Next, instead of a denial mindset develop a ‘reward’ one. After dinner, make an appropriate-sized plate with sliced fruit, nuts, vegetables, lowest fat nibbles and place it front and center where you can nibble on it all evening…and that is your night’s snack. Make it a family habit! Compliment this habit with unlimited hot, cold, or bubbling waters with fruit slices in beautiful glasses… make it a treat. You won’t be feeling denied while you watch your tv shows, but feel special and virtuous. Be sure to get up and stretch during the commercials, if you aren’t already folding laundry, filing papers, stacking recycling, or dusting something. If you are getting something accomplished while you’re relaxing… sticking to your resolutions… and getting to bed on time, you will feel positive and on-track.
Perhaps the next day, you will ‘reward’ yourself with even more positive actions –parking your car 8 spaces farther than you usually do, whistling as you take one flight of stairs…you need not become a jock overnight, but these added little changes count. The point is, the negative acts of “self-control, denial, and will power” are mentally exhausting, while the positive acts of “replacing negative with positive and feeling the reward” take far less effort. These are the techniques which work, long term. The hard part is determining what you need to do and then getting the facts. Next is figuring out what is positive, but most of us know intuitively what is positive. But from there, you just keep reinforcing yourself.
One more example: ever potty train a toddler or an animal? Did force or negativity work? Not usually. Sure you need to be determined; “You need to do you business like so!” But saying, “atta boy” and giving a pat and a treat, every time they do what they are supposed to do IS the way to effect positive behavior change on a basic level. So, why do the negative on yourself? See? What you are doing now for your resolution is more complex, but the idea is the same. Do it positively and your soul will respond.
Give this a try and let me know how it works. Happy New Year!
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S.,RM is a Psychotherapist-Clinical Counselor in Private Practice at Tinker Psychotherapy Services in the Lehigh Valley PA. She does coaching, advocacy, teaching, speaking, and community groups, all at a reasonable price and convenient hours. She has specialties in trauma, addiction, grief, chronic pain, and adult autism. You may learn more about her and her work via this site. You may call confidentially/direct est during business hours for consult 610-216-4319.
