Narcissists: How Do They Experience Life?
By Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., CH, NCC, LPC
I am a psychotherapist and client may come to me claiming their partner is a malignant narcissist. I do not take the claim at face value. I need examples of past and present behavior to support this diagnosis and help the troubled party to regain their sense of self. I may need to hear of behaviors on the part of the client, showing that they have been emotionally abused. Narcissists may expect blending to the point of codependency, whether at home or at work. The fact is that rarely does a narcissist come willingly to therapy; they might to try to save a marriage, their job, or to correct a social mistake, such a DUI or domestic violence. It is the partner, employee, or child of the narcissist who seek support in therapy and with empathy, wants to understand the narcissist’s motivations and behaviors.
Of course, everyone is different, but many people who might be considered narcissists try to have the empathy needed to ‘look normal.’ In a sense of good intentions, they look to the behavior of their family, coworkers, and neighbors to know what to do, as they feel clueless or overwhelmed on having an appropriate reaction. This fits in well with the narcissist’s needs to ‘look good’ in front of an audience. For example, looking at a narcissist’s response to having a baby; it will be about his achievements in having, providing for, and maintaining the ‘perfect’ family. The idea of supporting the pregnant woman through the pregnancy might seem redundant to him. Only if someone comments about assisting her with swollen feet or chores, might the narcissist react positively.
The exaggerated self-importance, even superiority, of the narcissist is a difficult concept to grasp. The fact that they aggrandize their achievements and abilities would seem contradictory to low self-esteem. Their fantasies about their success, beauty, or accomplishments might be obsessive and very needed to complete the narcissist’s inner world. The narcissist is invested in creating the image of a perfect world and receives admiration, even envy, from those outside. Very few are worthy to be ‘inside,’ hence the near isolation they maintain. A narcissist may be the member of a religion, very devout in manner and behavior. They chair committees and take on lay positions of respect. They may be far more solicitous to fellow members than they are to their own partners, coworkers, or ‘average’ people.
The narcissist may seem shocking in their expectations advantage and entitlements. They are grandiose and believe they are exempt from the rules of society. This is how addiction, reckless behavior, and crime can be committed by the narcissist with no fear of consequences. For example, if receiving a traffic ticket, they go to court to fight it, furious that their reputation is tarnished in any way. Paying the fine is an outrageous injustice. The guilt in their behavior is beside the point and they dislike being reminded of it.
Some narcissists take advantage of others in their quest for perfection. Their difficulty in recognizing the needs of others. Even if benevolent, they need to be recognized for their charitable outlook and actions. This may seem very arrogant and discriminatory. For example, if on a team in work, they might easily take credit for the team effort, in a bold attempt to look good and raise higher in position and esteem.
These are the actions of an insecure person, desperate for approval, or more likely desperate to never suffer disapproval. They are the epitome of having a fragile ego; they do not take constructive criticism well. When challenged, a narcissist takes prisoners and tortures for revenge. Divorcing a narcissist is a minefield of such outrages to be fought to the death, not mediated. This approach hurt many children in selfish, alienating terms. A narcissist might fight bitterly for the custody of a pet they really are not inclined towards.
The damage to the partner of a narcissist is in the failure of a life perceived in unity. The partner asks if it was all a ruse. They wonder how they missed the signs while dating or interviewing for the job. Narcissism may develop in the time-span of the relationship. The narcissist seems very sincere in enjoying a relationship; the trips, the bonding events, and family milestones. However, this is why narcissists rarely partner or builds familiarity at home or at work with another narcissist. They need an opposite to ‘balance’ their relationship, but they then abuse and manipulate their partner.
The ‘opposite’ partner is usually naïve, generous with love, nurturing, and supportive beyond the bounds of loyalty. The narcissist enjoys the benefits of such a person, but ultimately sees them as inferior and needing of degradation to ‘improve’ aspects of their partner’s behavior or personality. The narcissist expects a dependence of the partner upon them, the beauty, brains, and soul of the relationship. The partner loses self-esteem, independence, and may become deeply depressed.
Partners try to understand ‘what went wrong.’ It is healthy to try to understand how a narcissist thinks to make sense of values they create in order to shore up their fragile egos. The partner, most often, needs to rebuild their own self-esteem, much to the dismay of the narcissist. Understanding what they are thinking can assist in the process or help a partner to identify the characteristic, for their own welfare.
Often the partner seeks the professional help of a psychotherapist or clergy in order to construct healthier boundaries. Not every therapist or psychologist understands narcissism to approach the behaviors. Attempts at ‘marriage counseling’ with a narcissist can end in ‘tug of war’ contests and groups might end up feeding the narcissist’s grandiosity. I suggest that the partner attend individual therapy, on their own, before attempting other counseling formats. Interview the therapist for an understanding and experience with narcissists.
Gail-Elaine Tinker is a licensed professional counselor in private practice located in Bethlehem, PA. She specializes in trauma, grief, health issue, and repair from narcissism. You may contact Gail-Elaine directly at 610-216-4319 or at gailelainetinker@yahoo.com. She cooperates with many insurance providers and also works with cash.
