By Gail-Elaine Tinker MS, RM, CH, NCC, LPC Psychotherapist
Narcissist Personality defined: long-standing pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or actual behavior), an overwhelming need for admiration, and usually a lack of empathy toward others. People with this personality often believe they are of primary importance in everybody’s life and can exhibit charm or charisma to achieve this. In the relationship communication is poor and every matter must be on his terms. Appearances mean a great deal and many narcissists become possessive, controlling, raging, disruptive, and vengeful against their partners. Both sexes can be Narcissists.
My educated, well-dressed, well-spoken client comes to her weekly session eager to tell me of ‘this week’s’ drama; he did ‘this,’ he said ‘that,’ my mother was horrified that he posted ‘that’ on Facebook even though he is blocked, the kids are upset because he told them ‘that lie,’ he drove down my street to see if any cars other than mine were near my house, and so much more. The litany of details as predictable as the seasons; I hear very few ‘new’ stories from each of the women who come to my office. They are so stressed, harried, frightened, sleepless, overworked and confused. They want to know, “Please tell me, what can I say or do to get my life back?”
I wish I had a magic wand, but no one does. Getting your life back will be one of the toughest jobs you will ever do; including childbirth. It will require a cool, dispassionate head, a calm will of the spirit, an on-going executive ability to document experiences, and the support of a therapist, clergy, social worker, domestic violence counselor, or very capable friend network (and perhaps all of the aforementioned.) I mean, literally, get a counselor and a notebook, because that drama needs to be documented – for you to see how bad it is, how invasive it has become, and also, you are now keeping a record of what and when, because if you want it to be over, you’ll need that. Not to focus upon it, not for revenge, only in case things get messy.
Next, I recommend the book “The Gift of Fear,” by Gavin de Becker. Once an Oprah book selection, available used for a few dollars, this book is a powerful teacher. There are many books out there on the topic of Narcissism and on leaving relationships, separation, divorce, and co-parenting; yes, read them. But doing so with a narcissist is in an entirely different league than what you will read. Seek legal advice if you need it. Education is an empowering tool, if you know the real answer no one can frighten you, trick you, or confuse you. The first rule is safety first.
Next, realize, if you ‘want your life back,’ this means that you handed your life over to someone else. Sorry to pour cold water on you at such a difficult time, but it is important for you to know. If you hand the keys of your car to someone, then you can’t fault them for driving it away. Don’t ever hand the keys to your life over to another human being in the name of love again. I am not suggesting you dry up and join a convent, but there is a great deal of middle ground between the two places. This realization takes a long while to sink in, trust me. Your therapist is part of this process.
The next thing I recommend, is to stop engaging with the person. Delete, block, white-out, ignore, avoid, ‘to the best of your ability’ with this person. If you are co-parenting, this will be far more difficult, but in that case, keep communication simple. The idea is to dis-engage from his drama. I liken it to a hurricane, the narcissist likes to be at the eye of disaster at all times, it makes him look good. He has long-developed a skill at making you the dope, flake, dummy, incompetent in his life… all to boost his fragile ego. He will keep doing this forever. You don’t have to play. Just stop.
Simply become the person you were destined to be. Grow, flourish, be happy and ignore his hurricane antics or at least see them for what they are. Don’t be vengeful, just get on with your life. He will likely have a hard time with that. OK, so he tells the cousin of a former friend that you are /&%$#/ in order to make sure word gets back to you and keep you in his emotional hurricane. Tell everyone you do not care to hear anything from your ex, thank you… and if you do, consider the source. You want the focus off of him. He upsets the kids, well now, document that. If he does it enough, a counselor, clergy, or caseworker may need to be informed of the dates and details. Know when to stand up and when to sit down.
Is this it? Of course not. This is a rinse-repeat cycle. I wish you could put this struggle on your resume, because it will have definitely made you stronger. I know women who have flourished in place and those who have moved far away in order to re-start their lives. I know men who have fought for the custody of their children when they feared they would not win against the Narcissist. I have attended college graduations and received re-marriage announcements from people who have flourished – it can be done.
In summary: safety first, if you are in danger, go to the authorities. You do not have to tolerate stalking behaviors. Get support for this, it isn’t easy. Become empowered through education; reading this blog is a great start. Accept your role in the situation; take responsibility for helplessness, weakness, fear, and confusion. Stop engaging with the narcissist as much as possible and document anything inappropriate. And keep doing your personal work in therapy so that you understand why you got mixed up with such a person and how to never again do so. This is the key to ‘getting your life back’ and moving on to the new.
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., RM, CH, NCC, LPC has a General Practice of Psychotherapy in Lehigh Valley, PA. She specializes in trauma, grief, and chronic pain/illness issues. She works with those impacted by Narcissism using talk-therapy, reiki, transformative art, hypnosis, and narrative therapy. Gail-Elaine offers individual, internet, small group, workshop, and advocacy. If you care to avail yourself of the offer of one free email question and reply with me of a non-emergency nature, please email through my website. For anything else, you may call 610-216-4319 or tinkerpsychotherapy.com.
Copyright © 2016 – Gail-Elaine Tinker
Tinker Psychotherapy and Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S. does not discriminate against anyone because of age, sex, marital/family status, race, color, religious beliefs, ethnic origin, place of residence, veteran status, physical disability, health status, sexual orientation, or criminal record unrelated to present dangerousness. This is a personal, ethical commitment, as well as required by federal law. I will always take steps to advance and support the values of equal opportunity, human dignity, and racial/ethnic/cultural diversity. If you believe you have been discriminated against, please bring this matter to my attention immediately.
