Compassion is being watered-down in this world.
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., RM Psychotherapist/ Life Coach
I used to be fond of a so-called witty saying, “The only thing I cannot tolerate is intolerance!” I know it practically sophomoric, but it was supposed to be wryly witty and serve as a reminder that everyone is human and has made errors in judgment when they were intolerant of his fellow man. I thought it would help remind me to be one of the good guys, a tolerant soul. Perhaps I am dating myself because this was said in the days when intolerance for anything but “the norm” was current and the idea of tolerance was considered utopist. Of course, the advanced concepts of “separate-but-equal,” “we’re all God’s children,” and “peaceful coexistence” were bandied about. I was inspired by the people who gave more than lip service to these ideas and devotedly strove for these concepts in their daily lives. The news is my heart has changed. Tolerance is no longer enough for me. Flat-out I believe it is barely a half-measure of our human potential.
How do you feel about pain? Care to tolerate it, want to accept it as a lifestyle? Shall we skip the anesthesia and painkillers the next time disease and discomfort rears its ugly head? Personally, I tolerate pain, in tolerable amounts, and then I become intolerant. What about your basic human need to feel care? Enjoy your family, friends, and lovers? Now what if these same beings only tolerated your presence? Life would feel pretty chilly, wouldn’t it? The point is tolerance is pitiful care for humans. In psychology, social tolerance wouldn’t be enough to nurture goodwill or foster creativity. I say now I despise tolerance as much as I once loathed intolerance.
Another of these concepts is “acceptance” as in National Autism Acceptance Day. Well really? 1 in 10 little children are currently being diagnosed with a developmental condition which effects social cognition and somebody dreams up an ‘acceptance day?’ I think I just gagged a little, like we are in the 1950s South sitting around trying to be liberal and ‘accept’ blacks, jews, catholics, and asians! Oh, maybe in true backward style we’ll add the little mongoloid child down the street to our ‘acceptance’ effort and tolerance. Does this mean we will no longer treat them as third class citizens? Will we give them jobs? Will we love them as our own?
Are you getting my point as to precisely how banal tolerance and acceptance ARE as terminology? How does breast cancer acceptance day roll off your tongue? How does white bald man tolerance week feel to you? What of bass fisherman tolerance initiative; care to donate? I am being satirical for a very good reason. I want people to see their fellow human beings as HUMANS and love them as thus.
So, if ya now gotta love everyone, it means you need to listen to all points of view. One thing the intolerant are fond of mentioning is the idea of “it has always been this way.” There are folks who will debate Darwinism with you until nightfall, but will tell you ad nausea about the circle of life among the beasts and that dominance is nature’s way. Usually they mean the ensured dominance of their kind. I’m not buying it. Human cooperation has made some this planet’s greatest gifts and some of its most profound tragedies, so why are we still limiting ourselves to reptilian ethics? We have come so far past eat or be eaten to keep teaching, legislating and tormenting one another this way.
There are people far more educated and experienced than myself who have the ability to solve the problems of sexism, ageism, racism, classism, and the host of “isms” which tear at the fabric of our society. However, I’ve been thoughtfully listening to them and to the people in my world. I’ve come up with four ways to begin strategic maneuvers on intolerance and its mediocre cousin tolerance. The first rule of this new event is to change the word. The correct term for what we strive for is acceptance. Acceptance defined is belief in something, agreement, approval, favorable recognition. Companions to acceptance are civility, benevolence, supportiveness, empowerment, and peace. It is the essence of the Christian golden rule, “Do unto others what you would have done unto you.” There are echoes of this rule in every religious structure known to man.
Leadership
Let’s begin at the head of intolerance, in our leadership. I am a proud, patriotic American as any, but I see flaws in our leadership. First of many examples I could choose; Affirmative Action was one of those ideas intended to bring about great change. I’ve been for it my entire adulthood. Sixty years ago it was only a white male’s prerogative for an advanced education and it has always been a good idea to open up the classrooms and laboratories. Tick-tock, not much has changed in our country’s leadership where white men still outpace women, minorities and the disabled in education, finance, media, medicine, the military, and government. The question we need to ask is why? Is it that ‘others’ do not measure up or can’t get ‘in’ due to exclusivity? We’ll keep on workin.’ Another example is “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” in the military. How is such a blatantly intolerant policy allowed by our government constitution? This bias begins with our commander-in-chief and trickles down to the lowest common denominator. It says baldly, ‘You may fight, be maimed, or die for the rights and dignity of all Americans but YOU have none, nor do your life partners.’ Really? Our authority figures are voted for by our votes or dollars and we allow them to oppress us and our friends this way? I ask, even if you do not personally know anyone in uniform who is gay, how can your patriotic conscience allow such a travesty of basic decency for our soldiers? And how can we turn our back on our soldiers physically and mentally? They serve us in unimaginable ways, we owe them and their families in counseling and support.
Leadership counts for those in public life in how ethically they conduct their private lives. Exploit an undocumented worker, take illegal stock tips, hurt animals in private, and you will most likely be found out. Leadership also affects those who have fame via athletics, the media, or publicity. Follow higher social values and you will be rewarded by the network of good people and goodwill you circulate. Act above the law, below social standards by denigrating others and your star will fall below the horizon. We, the public, must vote with our dollars, our computer clicks, our TV viewing, our electoral votes for what we really, really want… do we want do-nothing, Mc-crapola-real-housewives-drama government, or do we want real workers to do what we need done.
Accountability
Accountability means being answerable to someone. I’m with the religious right on this one, this begins in the home. Families must have values and hold one another accountable for them. Now where I part company with the right is that few families look like the Brady’s or the Cosby’s. More families are single parent, many are blended by parent and race, many contain elders, some have health/mental health issues, many have addiction, lots have housing concerns, many have financial crisis, sometimes a member is gay or transgender, many experience violence, hopelessness, or death; however, all families have the right to define themselves, make fair rules for their safety, and expect members to follow them. These values are best started in the home because this is how it is in school, in college, at work, in community, in society, in prison. When the leadership sets fair rules and we live and thrive under them, it causes a greater chance for happiness.
But not everything goes to plan in the real world so accountability needs to come about in crime and punishment. I ask, when people commit a crime of bias against sex, gender, race, age, or religion do they deserve more punishment than those who simply commit a crime free of bias (if there is such a thing?) There are hate crime statutes in many states. What about bullying among minors? Who is accountable, the developmentally immature or the family system which produced him or her? How about adult bullies, they are responsible for their own actions …except when insane, influenced by others, etc. My idea of accountability would be rehabilitation. I believe that people, while some damaged and devious, have more capacity for growth than is imagined or practiced in our society.
Children
From the moment they are born children are sponges, designed this way for survival. They never cease observation, imitation, practice, and integration of all they see, hear and intuit. You better be living the life in word and deed that you want for your child because “Do as I say, not as I do” does not work. Recent studies have shown that children as young as three have absorbed negative stereotypes about others, including themselves, much to the horror of their well-meaning parents. What can we learn from our colorblind, non-sexist, non-ageist, unprejudiced, self-loving toddlers and apply it to our world? I have called it acceptance.
In order to achieve this kind of parenting, people need to have the babies they want and not those they do not want. Children are 25 year projects. Abstinence, rhythm, multiple means of contraception, adoption, parent education, and abortion, if necessary, are rights fought for in our country. All are preferable to feral children with severe attachment disorders running riot and breeding more lost children to try to plug the holes in their hearts. Rehabilitation through education and training, as well as psychotherapy can work for many victims of lack of parenting.
Humor
The role of humor in this serious cause is no laughing matter. Each and every time we allow a joke which puts a member of another group we reinforce the social norm that Arab bashing, Gay-bashing, and Retard-jokes are fine, we send a message that we are on the side of the 25th person removed from us who hears the joke and thinks it is OK to beat up a Blonde, kick a Fag, bully a Latino, spit on a Black child, or hate a Jew. When we condone prejudice, drunkenness, drug use, domestic violence, illegal activity in our humor, we broadcast our values loud and clear. When we use profanity and denigrating terms in our humor, we lower ourselves to the time of black-face and freak-shows.
If the first word in the plan to obliterate intolerance was acceptance, the last word shall be fearless. Churchill said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” It is when we allow fear to govern our actions and beliefs, we lose our way. When we forget people have more in common than not and fear perceived differences, we get chips in our humanity. One need only to travel to see that from Africa to the Ukraine to Bangkok to Brazil to Vancouver and back home…people are the same. Many times you’ll never spot the real, so-called differences; culture, religion, education, job, sexual orientation, trauma, politics, illness, criminal history, you’ll just see a person. Maybe that individual will change your life by saving it, enriching it, joining it, or ending it. You’ll be the richer soul for the journey.
Hey, I am by no means a perfect human being without need for atonement. I’m sure the politically correct police will be all over me. Furthermore, it might be a hasty move for a therapist to come out against ‘acceptance,’ intolerance and tolerance; after all, I have more to lose than gain by ranting via the internet. I concede my suggestions barely crack the surface in solutions for complicated issues, but from my chair in the trenches of traumatized souls, broken hearts, and minds aching for kindness…you’ll see me working hard to practice active acceptance….the kind that reaches out a hand to help and do.
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S. is a Psychotherapist in private practice in Lehigh Valley, PA. Her general practice of Clinical Psychology includes specialty in trauma, adult autism, addiction, grief, and chronic pain. She treats many individuals who endured bias and bullying and desire freedom from pain and from low self-esteem issues. Her practice is noted for professionalism, warmth, and flexibility in scheduling. If you have any questions please contact her directly 610-216-4319 or via tinkerpsychotherapy/facebook or www.tinkerpsychotherapy.com.
