10 Steps to Increase Relationship Satisfaction
by Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S. Psychotherapist
“There is one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one’s life – reciprocity. ~Confucius”
Human couples of every kind want to prolong the best aspects of their relationship. As time marches on, stresses mount, challenges develop in life; it is so important to recognize your relationship as a supporting factor in your life. How to do this amid the demands of modern life? There are some old fashioned ideas and new psychological insights to promote intimacy in your relationship.
These suggestions involve the day-to-day rituals of being a couple. Ritual is very important in life; we do things the same way to give ourselves structure and continuity. The rituals may seem trivial, however, they are not. These are the crucial things which can make life with another person so satisfactory. These are goals, not prophecies; failure to do one of these ideas does not mean doom . Just as doing all of these things is no guarantee to a lifetime of happiness. We, who help couples and study relationships, believe that doing such suggestions can assist in fortifying a healthy romantic relationship.
- Celebrate the milestones of your life. This means holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and date-nights are to be honored in your life. Forgetting and being too busy for such dates are detrimental to the foundation of the relationship. Don’t confuse with the notion that every ‘date’ must have a gift or an expensive, time-consuming celebration – honoring does not mean ‘pricy.’ An evening with home cooked food, music, and reviewing the photo-albums can be a form of honoring the milestones, as much as gifts, fancy dinners, or trips.
- Remember the words. This means saying ‘please and thanks’ to the everyday efforts of your partner. Greet one another and give a parting word every time. Do you have ‘pet names,’ so use them in the proper context. Remember to express like and love, not just frustration, when you feel it. Consider personal messages, even sticky notes and texts, to remind one another that amid the hustle of life, you still care. When out and about speak respectfully of your partner and defend against criticism.
- Communication is essential. Familiarity and time can lead to ‘sleep-walking’ in the relationship. Even 10 uninterrupted minutes each, per night, at lunch, or over morning coffee, set aside to talk about what is on your mind with your partner. This sets the bar for when there are critical issues to be discussed; you will have a background and format for sharing. Date-night for couples is a modern solution to the busy-ness of life. It may sound cliché, but finding that time to be together is what most relationships need to feel alive.
- Touch one another. How sad it is when couples forget to touch, hold one another, or kiss. People need human touch to thrive emotionally and physically. The best relationships involve time for sex, holding, kissing, hand-holding, massage, yoga and other forms of touch. If you have fallen out of the habit due to stress, re-incorporate it back in, then watch your energy and intimacy rise. Be sure to clear it what sort of touch is acceptable to your partner, not everyone feels identically about touch.
- Look at one another. It is amazing how many couples can fall into habits where they do not see their spouse. Seeing another person in the light of how they are now, as well as the light of the time in your relationship, can be essential to romance, intimacy, even health. Find positives to say about your partner’s looks, their efforts to dress, to be clean, and take care of the home. When couples forget to look, this is when ignoring, resentment, and insecurity can develop. Sometimes taking pictures of one another during activities can help one see another.
- Forgive imperfections. The test of time in relationships means that one partner will cause hurt to the other in some way. Forgiveness for slights is the kind of charity which makes things smoother. Talk about it during your ‘talk time.’ Forgiveness means pre-understanding the notions of ‘sick, stressed, anxious, depressed, insecure’ and look to forgive and support your partner. If you need to understand a hurtful action, consider a therapist or clergy to counsel you. Holding onto resentments can be so detrimental over time. But a mindful couple looks out for ways not to be hurtful and owns up to inadvertent hurts right away. But no one need tolerate unacceptable actions, behaviors, or events on a routine basis. If bad things are happening, seek out support ASAP.
- Have a common interest. This is an important clue for having the best relationship possible. Whether you take a class, practice a sport, root for the same teams, volunteer for the same causes, attend the same religious institution or civic group, or read the same books, for example, such activities function as a bond between couples which enrich life beyond measure. However, no one person can fill all your needs, so have your own, personal, interests outside the couple hood. Togetherness is great, so are boundaries – know the difference. Sharing your separate life with your partner keeps it interesting.
- Be willing to work on it. May couples take retreats designed for couples, they read relationship-positive books together, they get together with other couples and practice positive relationship building, and some couples go to therapy. Couples therapy need not be the negative thing it is often portrayed. Some couples get a regular tune-up with a counselor, clergy, or during a program. For instance, a happy couple can do a ‘vision board’ as a way of re-clarifying their common goals.
- Be united. Couples must provide a united front for the world, their extended families, and their children. It is not a social failing to say, “I can’t commit until I consult my partner” or “I am sorry you are annoyed with my partner, I’m sure he/she was doing the best in the situation.” This means you value you partner over others. This means no ‘secret friendships’ at work or on the internet. You present unity when you agree on how to raise, discipline, praise, and direct your children and pets. Undermining your spouse can lead to a world of hurt.
- Seek fun. In the times of rough economy, two working people, a bustling family, active social obligations, etc… make the effort to find joy, fun, amusement, relaxation, and make positive memories for your relationship and family. Look hard and make the effort to make everyday events as joyous and fun as possible. Doing housework together with special music baring through the house, funny-shape pancakes on Sundays, washing the car and splashing water… these are examples of finding fun in the mundane. These activities build the relationship and set a great example for family.
Remember, these suggestions are goals, not rules. Do not be hard on yourself if you haven’t incorporated all ten suggestions into your relationship right away. Some very happy couples leave out one of these to suit their temperaments, but do well on the rest. The idea that healthy rituals can enhance your relationship does not come naturally or easily, they are a kind of work, to keep your investment of time and love safe and secure.
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S. is an experienced psychotherapist in general private practice in Lehigh Valley, PA. She has a specialties in grief, trauma, addiction, chronic pain, and adult autism. She writes for several outlets regarding mental health and wellness issues. To learn more about her work or contact her, visit tinkerpsychotherapy.com or call 610-216-4319.
