By Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S Psychotherapist
We all wish to be surrounded by positive people who see circumstances similarly as we do. We all hope for support and good intentions by those around us in every situation; however, this is rarely the case. Invariably people who are our direct opposite in temperament, belief system, and sometimes just ability to reason come about when we need to most have cooperation – in the family, living, work, school, neighbor, or other close environment.
Psychological research shows that positive and mutually supportive relationships between people are good for our mental and physical health; therefore, dealing with difficult people and maintaining ongoing negative relationships I can be detrimental or stressful to our health. While it is always a good idea to diminish or eliminate relationships that are filled with conflict and strife whenever possible, this is not always an accomplishable task. While one person can transfer out of a class or wait out a transient relationship to avoid a personality clash, what do you do if the person in question is a family member, co-worker, or someone you otherwise can’t easily eliminate from your life? There are sometimes one must learn to cope with difficult people.
The first step is to take personal responsibility. Very often we cannot change others but we can alter how we react or respond to them on an ongoing basis. We can perfect our communication skills; we can improve our personal de-stressing skills via meditation/deep breathing/counseling. But changing your response is also not accepting or creating abusive behaviors.
All this doesn’t mean taking any cruel words or abuse personally. Some difficult people are damaged and use words as weapons. While not being defensive is the object, also gaining perspective, boundaries, and self-esteem to the awareness that they are the difficult person and using you as a punching bag is part of the lesson. If it is too toxic, remove yourself ….if you can separate enough to function apart from the words or insinuations, then do so from an empowered place within yourself.
In dealing with difficult people, try to accept the reality of who they are, don’t try to change the other person; you will only get into further power struggles, cause defensiveness, invite criticism, or otherwise make things worse. It also makes you seem to be a more difficult person to deal with. Resist the urge to ‘win’ the conversation or ‘war’ – ask yourself at what cost? Letting them ‘win’ means you win some peace, very often.
It may have been a long time since either of you has seen a healthy behavior dynamic in anyone around you. Chances are good that you’re repeating the same patterns of interaction over and over, so, changing your response could get you out of this rut. Communicating in “I statements”, seeing the “best in people,” “creating healthy boundaries,” keeping conversations neutral,”, “don’t forget who you’re dealing with,” and other basic skills can make a big difference in communication skills, even if you are the only one modeling them.
Remember to get your real human intimacy needs met from others who are able to meet your needs, not from the ‘difficult person in your life. Tell your secrets to a trustworthy friend who’s a good listener, or process your feelings through journaling, for example. Rely on people who have proven themselves to be trustworthy and supportive, or find a good therapist if you need one. This will help you and the other person by taking pressure off the relationship and removing a source of conflict.
It is critical to know when it’s time to distance yourself, and do so. If the other person can’t be around you without antagonizing you, minimizing contact may be key to your sanity. If they’re continually abusive, it’s best to cut ties and let them know why. Explain what needs to happen if there ever is to be a relationship, and let it go. You need to switch jobs, schools, move locations this may be what you have to do, but beware there are difficult people wherever you go.
Special Instructions’
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Watch out for placing blame on yourself or the other person for the negative interactions. It may just be a case of your two personalities fitting poorly. Remember to work on your own communications skills.
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Remember that you don’t have to be close with everyone; just being polite goes a long way toward getting along and appropriately dealing with difficult people.
- Be sure to cultivate other more positive relationships in your life to offset the negativity of dealing with difficult people. Cultivate a circle of mutually supportive friends.
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Work on an appropriate sense of humor to help you in dealing with difficult people throughout life.
Everyone has episodes of ‘difficult people’ to handle through special projects, family situations, work episodes, awkward visitors, crisis situations, and so forth. It is important to have the character to face these situations and difficult people with as much empathy and grace as you can muster, for the temporary. For the long term ‘difficult,’ these strategies will help you overcome and maintain your mental health.
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S. is a Psychotherapist in general private practice in the Lehigh Valley, PA. She is a professional with a general practice in psychology with specialties in grief, chronic pain, trauma, and adult special needs. You can learn more about her work at tinkerpsychotherapy.com or contact her directly at 610-216-4319.
