Divorce and Mental Health:
Understanding the Stages and Successful Navigation
By Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S, LPC
Counselors know that 50% of all marriages in the US end in divorce, 65% of second marriages also end in divorce. Divorce is associated with an increase in depression and anxiety, as people experience loss of partner, identity, hopes for the future, and lifestyle. The financial reality of divorce is often difficult to comprehend: the same resources must now support almost twice the expenses.
The impact of divorce on children is formidable, even in the most amicable divorces. The percentage of all children of divorce is now 50%, while children of parents who never married is 30%, which leaves only 20% of American children in intact families.
Children’s psychological reactions to their parents’ divorce vary in degree dependent on three factors: (1) the quality of relationship with each parent before the separation, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents’ ability to focus on the needs of children while experiencing the difficulties during divorce; therefore, it is possible to have well-adjusted children following divorce.
Therapists understand that the decrease in parents’ income directly affects children over time in terms of proper nutrition, involvement in extracurricular activities, clothing, and school choices. It is estimated that 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200, plus 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children.
Families, adults and children can benefit from psychotherapy for the many feeling that arise during divorce. Many therapists describe divorce as a ‘grief’ as it sometimes follows grief stages:
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first described the stages of grieving about and recovering from a major trauma such as death or divorce:
- Denial: “This is not happening to me. It’s all a misunderstanding. It’s just a midlife crisis. We can work it out.”
- Anger and resentment: “How can he [she] do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not fair!”
- Bargaining: “If you’ll stay, I’ll change” or “If I agree to do it [money, childrearing, sex, whatever] your way, can we get back together?”
- Depression: “This is really happening, I can’t do anything about it, and I don’t think I can bear it.”
- Acceptance: “Okay, this is how it is, and I’d rather accept it and move on than wallow in the past.”
Divorce might not follow the emotional stages described above by Ross; however, it impacts stages of emotion, belief, and functionality for both parties and children. The stages are a part of the emotion destress involved with dissolution of a family and dealing with legal stress. Understanding the stages can help with emotional healing. The stages might look like the following:
Before Divorce:
- Feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust
- Greater distance; lack of mutuality
- Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorce
- Development of strategy for separation
- Feelings of fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief.
- Marriage counseling or a honeymoon phase where working on the marriage begins and fails
Beginning of Divorce:
- Expression of discontent in the relationship
- Creating an emotional (and possible physical} distance
- Likely for an affair to occur
- Feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with other, and needy
- Both parties feel victimized by the other
- Going public with the news
- This stage is seldomly reversible
During the Divorce:
- A sense of acceptance of the failure of the marriage
- Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resources.
- Assignment of blame and fault
- Often power struggles re: property, money, and children
- Stalling the proceedings out of spite or fear
- Often a breakdown in communication
- Stress over the legal proceedings.
After the Divorce:
- Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles
- Experiences of insight, acceptance, integrity.
- Comparing lives of the two parties post-divorce
- Children suffer abandonment, self-blame, and acting-out
- Common problems arise in children in triangulation, tests of loyalty, and alienation.
- Mourning the loss of the family.
At any time during these stages, the adults or the children might enter psychotherapy to assist with the enormous feelings. A quality counselor will assist families in moving through the stages in a healthy manner. Reasons for seeking therapy at any stage of divorce include:
- Depression – persistent sadness which interferes with daily activities. The use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques can help people cope with the negativity which surround divorce.
- Anxiety – is best described as a feeling of panic and dread. It can include panic attacks and anxiety in social situations (GAD). Feelings of heart palpitations, dizziness, sweating, stomach distress can accompany the feeling of dread. Therapy and sometimes medication can help clients experiencing these symptoms during the stress of divorce.
- Stress – is a universal feeling from time-to-time in many situations. If the stress becomes over-whelming, therapy can do much to cope and manage divorce stress.
- Anger – is rage, fury, blaming, shaming in often inappropriate amounts. Anger Management Therapy can help people to cope more effectively with their feelings, communications, and behaviors. Cognitive Therapy helps to restructure thoughts and learning relaxation techniques can be highly needed and effective, especially when experiencing divorce.
Divorce can undermine the self-worth of every family member, which often results in a litany of problems such as substance abuse, depression, and anxiety. Psychotherapy helps people to adjust to life changes and to better cope with difficult and often overwhelming feelings.
For many people, mental health counseling is a helpful resource during divorce, which might be partially covered by health insurance. Call your insurance company to find out if they will pay for counseling; they may even provide lists of therapists in your area to help.
Gail-Elaine Tinker is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Bethlehem, PA. She works with adults who are experiencing the pain of divorce who wish to cope better and get through the process with grace. To contact Gail-Elaine directly, call 610-216-4319. You may leave a confidential message on VM, please provide info on how to contact you. You may also contact her by messaging gailelainetinker@yahoo.com.
