Communication Cheat Sheet: 10 Shortcuts to Better Expression
By Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., NCC, LPC
Communication is a lifelong challenge. Babies cry when they cannot figure out how to express a need for food or a diaper change. Older children experiment with communication styles and learn how to speak by their failures and successes. Adults are expected to have the ability to convey their needs and feelings. Adults are also expected to have mastered the art of effective listening. Intention does not count in communication. You need to say what you mean, listen to the result, and convey that the person was heard.
The following ‘shortcuts or cheats’ are not the full education in communication. They are merely tools with memorable titles, which help people with faulty communication styles to express themselves, cooperate, and convey real feelings. The ‘bitesize’ servings of information are designed to help you to increase the success of conversations.
Tell me more
When someone tells you something about themselves or their life, offer to listen. Strive to understand another’s circumstance and perspective. The response you are likely to receive can be wonderful. “I had a bad day at school/work.” “Tell me more” opens the way to communicate. Most people crave the sense of being heard and understood. When stating things, simply ask if the listener needs more information. It is OK if they ask you for more information too. There are no bad questions. Listen to the emotions behind the words and acknowledge that you have understood. Look at the person who is speaking and listening. Looking is part of hearing.
I’m listening / I hear you
Reassuring someone by stating you are listening is a powerful communication technique. Then do it – really listen. Focus on what the person is saying and not the clever rebuttal you intend to deliver. You might want to jot down a word to remind you of a reply to the person, after they feel as if they have said what they want. The real meaning behind any communication is how it was said and how it is heard, not what was intended. If you intended a sentiment and did not convey it, the communication failed.
Reflection
This is the act of reflecting what you have heard. “So, I understand that you want me to wash the dishes, did I get that right?” Another aspect of reflection involves observing the person’s body language. If they have their arms crossed or are turning away from your conversation, you determine that they feel uncomfortable. You ‘might’ gently reflect this observation and see how it is received. Or, when in a heated discussion, and seeing arms crossed or fists clenched, make sure you do not reflect the same body postures. If you remain relaxed, with arms at sides, and maintain a calm tone of voice, it might de-escalate the difficult talk.
Low and slow
Means to lower your tone of voice and to slow down your communicated message. We are not thinking of slow motion, it is more like less shrill or loud with reduced items listed. Who gets results by screaming, “You squeeze the toothpaste from the top, leave your dirty socks on the floor, and never empty the dishwasher?” Who wouldn’t become defensive? If you lower by asking politely for a moment of time. Make sure that the time sought is appropriate. Then focusing on two at maximum items to discuss. Not being overwhelmed is key to communication.
I feel ….
Say “I feel,” rather than the word “You are,” “You make me,” or “You always”.” When you say ‘you’ in a conversation, it automatically sounds like an accusation. The speaker needs to own their emotions: “I feel hurt.” is an improvement to “You always hurt my feelings.” Watch out for generalizations: “you people, all men/women/children, I always-never/you always-never, nobody ever, etc.”
How is that working for you?
Asking the question is a tricky shortcut phrase; watch out that you don’t say it in a snarky manner or the listener might get defensive. It is used in the instance that a person is complaining about something which they have no intention or tools to change. You likely have heard the complaint numerous times, so asking ‘what do you plan to do about it?’ is a way of helping the speaker to realize that they are trapped in a pattern and, without accusing, invite them to change the circumstance or issue. It is effective to offer to brainstorm solutions. Do not pose as an expert, allow the person to come to solutions.
Yes, but…
Another advanced communication technique to master, is YES. People respond better to yes than no. “Mom may I have a popsicle?” “Yes, but after dinner” preserves the peace better than a fierce ‘no.’ In the instance of someone insisting, complaining, focusing on the negative… you agree with the complaint but gently explain why the situation is thus and so. In business, ‘the customer is always right,’ so responding to an irate customer with “yes, but….” can get a better response than saying “no, but…”
I don’t know, but I’ll find out
Admitting that you do not know the information requested and offering to find out the facts can improve any communication situation. For example: Child- “Why is the sky blue?” Try “I don’t know but we can look it up.” Spouse<upset> – What on earth is a new heater going to cost? Try “I don’t know, but I can make some calls to find out.” Boss demands- “Where is the monthly report?” “I don’t know, but I can look for it.” A lot of people feel that admitting that they ‘do not know’ is weakness, in fact, it is a strength.
Kill with kindness
Please and thank you go a long way. “Give me the screwdriver” can easily be perceived as more aggressive than, “Please hand me the screwdriver.” If you want people to understand and cooperate, use the adverb ‘please’ and remember to follow it by ‘thanks.’ Kindness can turn-around the tone of an entire conversation. For instance, a loud, irate customer can be extinguished by a kind, considerate cashier – not always, but sometimes.
It isn’t all about you
It is so very easy to take offense at the words people use. Folks sling all sorts of expressions to meet varying needs, usually with difficulty and frustration. Many people are hostile and defensive when communicating. Be aware of this around you and try to forgive. When you are tempted to ‘fly off the handle’ due to poor communication, it helps to remember that ‘it rarely is about you,’ in fact, most folks are so wrapped up in their own minds, that they haven’t given a single thought on expressing themselves appropriately.
*Warning:
While it is fantastic that you wish to improve communication with those around you… do not attempt to practice all these hints at one time! Start with one shortcut, such as “please/thank you/ may I/would you kindly/excuse me/is this a good time.” Once you have mastered this hint, move on to another. Also, do not hand this list to your spouse, child, or co-worker and say, “You need to do these things.” Talk about making a person defensive! The way to enact change is for you to practice it. Perhaps if a change is noticed or your loved one expresses a desire to improve; then it might be a good time to share this list. It is good to allow the other person to try what feels right to them.
Gail-Elaine Tinker is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Bethlehem, PA. She has helped many people break through anger, anxiety, depression, and confusion by helping them to understand how verbal and non-verbal communication impacts their lives. For more information regarding psychotherapeutic counseling, visit www.tinkerpsychotherapy.com and to make an appointment, email gailelainetinker@yahoo.com or call 610-216-4319 to leave a confidential message.
