If You Are Alive To Tell The Tale Count Yourself Fortunate
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., RM
Psychotherapist/Life Coach
If you are reading this article, you know abuse; whether as a survivor, a witness, a family member, or as a helping professional. It is a surreal thing to rebuild life after it has been shattered. The temptation toward either rage toward the perpetrator or self-bashing for your collusion in events which you could barely comprehend at the time; most tend to volley back and forth between the extremes… feeling crazier than the nutcase who manipulated you to this place. You doubt yourself, feel confused, and usually desire something concrete to do, be tied to, so you do not feel so adrift in these stormy, powerful emotions.
You have survived emotional, verbal, physical, and usually sexual abuse; so have your children and pets. You have known shame, humiliation, cruelty, and breaks with reality. I am not here to re-live the trauma but to have you know that people like me understand and we want to help you. The police, lawyers, judges, clerks, ambulance workers, nurses, doctors, lab-techs, pharmacists, nun, priests, pastors, teachers, school counselors, you family, and the countless other people you must deal with in this process may or may not know; but you will need to have someone who does.
I congratulate you. You have somehow seen the negative patterns, the heinous manipulations, the gaslight treatments which stunned your reality, and somehow… you safely, removed yourself, made yourself safe, you got away from the toxic soul who needed to suck the light from the marrow from your bones. Oh, you haven’t done so? Do it… call your local domestic abuse hotline, tell them you need to get out safely, your pets too. Next ask for support from all the people who love you,… you know, all those whom you have been cut off from, alienated from, who still feel concerned about you. Be brave and tell them that you got caught up in a mess and need support right now. Then get into counseling with a therapist who has experience with trauma and abuse. If you can’t find one easily, the domestic abuse folks will know of reputable professionals.
Next, understand that you will initially suffer some of the symptoms of grief. This may seem odd as you may be relieved, however, when a person demands that you make them 100% of your world, perhaps over a very long time, and perhaps warping your worldview with his or hers… and then it suddenly stops, it causes a grief experience in the most normal of human beings. You have a weird hole in your life, so it is expected to feel a loss.
The next thing you need to know is that you will likely suffer some PTS- Post Traumatic Stress symptoms; they may not last for long, hopefully, or some could be with you for life. How it will be depends on your situation and how well you work with your therapist to recover. Some of the symptoms of PTS can include a repeated disturbing thoughts, guilt, hyper-startle reflex, isolation,over sleep, anxiety, depression, hyper-vigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, body pains, sleep & eating difficulties. It may be tempting to numb via alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, or other addictions, so I am warning against it. If you get through the grief and move into any sort of mental thoughts of lack of hope, self-harming, or suicide, those are extreme warning signs not to be ignored. You must contact the domestic abuse hotline or crisis 911 hotline in your community and seek preventive assistance, which they can provide resources. If you have a therapist or clergy, they may be of assistance in this instance.
A symptom of PTS called dissociation can be present in your life, and you might not know what to do with it. Dissociation is a phenomenon of ‘fading away’ for a few minutes (or longer), sort of like day dreaming with no dream. Even healthy people do it when driving long distance, they can easily drive on ‘autopilot’ and their mind misses the exit, where were they? In trauma, we see this more frequently. Often the survivor has used this as a coping mechanism, to ‘get away’ from abuse. During your recovery you can begin to quietly observe these episodes and report them to your therapist. Hopefully in health, the frequency will fade away.
Lastly, you need to begin to take care of yourself in an entirely new way. Healthful diet, sleep regimen, moderate exercise, socializing with gentle, supportive people; are among the recommendations for those recuperating from trauma. Get a physical and attend to any neglected health needs. If you have the energy to read about healthy things and give back to the community, your domestic abuse contacts can refer you to more resources. The act of ‘doing’ will have positive ramifications.
Rebuild that life, get treatment because while you didn’t do anything wrong, you ended up with this person. Understanding how you accepted unacceptable behaviors for so long can help you become healthier, so nothing like this can happen again. This is called, emotional resilience, the best sort of health you can strive for. I wish you the very best.
Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., RM is a professional Psychotherapist/Life Coach in private practice in the Lehigh Valley, PA. She has specialties in trauma, grief, chronic pain, addiction recovery, Reiki, and adult special needs. He practice is noted for warmth, flexible scheduling, and the support groups it fosters. Feel free to gain more information at Tinkerpsychotherapy.com or go to Tinkerpsychotherapy.com/facebook and press LIKE or contact directly at 610-216-4319.
